On Your Birthday

It’s your birthday today and you would have been thirty eight – just 2 years away from the big forty that you both anticipated and dreaded simultaneously . It’s also the first time in all our twelve years together that I won’t be seeing you let alone wishing you on your big day. It’s the first of many.

But here I’m after a little over six months wishing that you were here and we could spend this day together. In everyone’s imagination today is a very difficult day for me but then what do I say about every other day that I’ve spent without you and the lifetime I’ll be spending without you around.

I don’t know if yesterday was any less difficult than today or if tomorrow will be any easier. It’s all the same for me – the barrenness of days passing without you. In all these months I’ve spent so much time alone that I can now hear the echo of my own words. I hear you too – all the time, happy voices drifting from the past into this moment. They are like droplets of water on parched lips.

But today is not about me, it’s about you. I know how much you loved celebrating your birthday. You would remind me for weeks in advance as if I would have forgotten. I was happy to play along but know this that I never forgot. I might forget mine but never yours.

Our home phone wouldn’t stop ringing today and the messages just wouldn’t stop. For a person who remembered and called up every single person regardless of age or relationship on their birthdays and special days , such adulation was indeed fitting. Our usual birthday routine was picking up our little boy from school and going out for lunch followed by a small get together with friends and family in the evening.

Most times I would remember to get you a present. But I know you never attached much significance to material objects. You never wanted that latest smartphone or the expensive watch. For you it was the remembrance and the effort that counted. It took me some years to realize that.

Two things that you made an exception for was the food and a new dress. I would sit and read on my phone while you shopped – the amount of time it took, I could read volumes even at my turtle speed. I would always ask you how on earth it could take that long and you would promptly dismiss my question with that smile or roll of the eyes depending on your mood. In time I had the enlightenment that when it comes to women and shopping and you throw in a birthday, it’s a concoction that is not designed for questioning of any sort.

When you cut your birthday cake I would always get the first bite, then it was our son who got priority service and I came second and it tasted even better. He would always cut the cake with you sometimes little confused about whose birthday it was. After the party when everyone had gone, we would have a drink by ourselves and chat interspersed with late night calls from friends and family abroad.

The incredible person that you were, you made friends at the drop of a hat. I was looking at the birthday pictures from couple of years back. We had moved to a new city and it hadn’t been that long by the time your birthday came along. And yet, when I look closely the living room is filled with people and kids. There’s hardly a seat empty.

Then I remember the last birthday. It was such a difficult time, you had just been back home from another gruelling hospital stay. We had a quiet evening at home . I’m sorry I couldn’t get you a present. I thought I would make up for it the next time. I didn’t know then that there wouldn’t be a next time. I know it never mattered to you for we were together and you didn’t need anything else.

Today I have no words on how it feels to be without you. I have been so lonely that sometimes it feels like loneliness is a friend that keeps me company. I wanted to do something to honor your life today and I have done little things that you would have liked. In my own small way this blog that I write is for you, every word of it.

I know you wouldn’t be happy to see me sad but hope you would understand for you feel the pain of separation too. I have taken the day off and just like all those years I would go out for your birthday lunch. I might not have the strength to cut a cake this time but I will order a slice of your favorite chocolate cake for dessert and just like old times, our son will have the first bite.

Happy Birthday to you. As I always used to say “We’re in this together”. The battle hasn’t ended, it has begun and there’s no way I can go through this without you. Stay with me for I need you more than ever.

“Treasured in my heart you’ll stay, until we meet again some day.
Forever in this heart of mine, an everlasting bond, for now until the end of time, are memories so fond.
Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.”
– Anonymous