Lost to the world 

It’s been a long time since I last wrote here. Life has been good and after everything we’ve been through I certainly know what small things in life can mean. I’ve been thinking about the changing nature of grief,of how it keeps unfolding in new ways as the years roll by. In my own case,I’m onto year four and the pain shrouds itself in myriad ways.

I read somewhere that when someone you love dearly dies,they die in a million places.They are gone not only from the present but from all the life that is yet to come. Mother and Father’s Day are behind us this year and on both these occasions I’ve felt the icy grip of deep sadness. I grieve all the moments we were supposed to have together but couldn’t.

The other thing that really hurts as time passes is that your loved one is not talked about,at least not to me. I would love to hear about my late wife from friends or family once in a while but I find that enveloped in a cold silence the world moves on. To the person who is left behind nothing can be more comforting than talking about their loved one,hearing their name again.

I guess many times people don’t want to bring it up as they find it upsetting or they think they are reminding the griever. But the truths is that we never forgot so there’s no reminding. Sometimes I talk to my son about his mother and try to keep her memory alive. Recently I was pleasantly surprised to find him watching a Harry Potter movie. I told him how much his mother loved the series. She would have been thrilled had she been around.

It’s small inconsequential moments like these when her absence really hurts.She should have been around watching her child grow up, teaching him new things,attending his school functions,fretting over lunches and homework but she got to experience none of it. I remember how much she was looking forward to him being in grade one so that the longer school hours would give her some much needed time to herself.

But life turned out differently.By the time grade one came along,she was gone and I had taken on the role of being both Mom and dad. The year she was diagnosed with cancer,she had at least four trips planned none of which happened. In her honour I made two of those alone as a single parent with my son.

The city and the community I live has already changed so much. There are new shops and facilities that open up but she isn’t around to experience any of it. It’s almost like she’s been left behind frozen in time while the world has moved on. I guess now I understand what it means to die in a million places.

Four years ago around this time I was living my last months of normal pre cancer life with her. I didn’t know it then but I was just months away from my world coming crashing down upon me. But at that time I could see nothing coming ,a long life stretched out in front. But it turned out so differently.

It’s not that I’m not grateful. I’ve come a long way since then. Today I’ve a loving family again and quite honestly I never thought I could experience happiness of any sort again but I do. I’ve regained many things that I thought were lost forever. But I’m no longer the same person that I was. I’ve learned to live with a perpetual void.

I like taking solitary walks. Some days during mornings or at dusk, I just stop to hear the chirping of birds in the distance,I look at the amazing colours in the sky and I pause. In that moment I experience a deep sense of loss and peace at the same time.

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Another year of absence 

Yesterday another year went by in my journey of afterloss.The date holds some very painful memories which I have written about in the hope that in time I will be relieved of them. 

Today is holi – a festival of colors in India. It was also my late wife’s favorite festival. I guess it had a fair sprinkling of all the things that she greatly cherished – colors, music, food, dancing,  the company of friends and celebration. 

She is deeply missed by all and the void she left behind in the lives of everyone that she touched is irreparable. Sometimes I wonder what she would want me to do with my life but then again I can only guess. 

Grief and loss is extremely unique and extremely personal. I find that I am always alone in my memories. The person with whom I created these is long gone. I can’t turn around and say “do you remember the time..”. 

From time to time as the mood strikes me, I try to come here and write about her in the hope that this way I can honor her life and the extraordinary person that she was. 

In all honesty, even after three years sometimes it’s difficult to believe everything that happened. It’s true that with time the nature of grief changes. The pain I feel today is very different from what I felt in the initial days and months. 

It has settled in my bones and become a part of who I am today. In my long journey, I do come to places of peace and rest from time to time. Today I’m married again and have a wonderful family. I find that I look for peace and contentment in seeing them happy and moving forward. 

Yet there are days when the happy memories of my past make me melancholy. Some days they do make me smile but I always remember “how strange, how sad, the days that are no more”. 

In the past year, we settled down as a new family in a new home. We went on holidays and life has been good despite the challenges. I’m proud of the things that we  have accomplished together. A few years ago all this did not look possible. It’s only in retrospect that we realize how far we have come. 

My journey continues on this plane.I remember the last few months when we fought cancer. She was the bravest soul I have met and shrouded in her strength I had also clinged on to hope that life could go back to what it was. All through her treatment she never ever complained but soldiered on with a steely determination so typical of her. 

I remember that the last program that she watched on TV was master chef. I guess it just typified the incredible attitude that she possessed of living life to the full regardless of the circumstances. I don’t possess that but I always derive strength and courage to go on from her example. 

Evolving grief


I don’t write too often these days. As time passes I have noticed that the urge to share and write about my experiences have diminished. The feelings however have not certainly. Grief is a life long journey,it’s not something that just goes away with time. It’s hard to exactly translate how loss uncovers itself as days,months and years go by.Many days it stays in the background and then on others days it leaps back with a ferocity that is totally unexpected.

I’m nearing three years since my life changed for ever. Life has continued to change in myriad ways since then. Today I have a brand new life and a family whom I love very much . I’ve continued to move forward with my life while trying to integrate my loss . Sometimes I feel I’m successful and making progress and on other days I feel I’m failing. Either way life goes on regardless.

Recently we celebrated my younger sons ninth birthday.It was his third without his beloved mother. I remember the last birthday we celebrated together.She had just been back from a very high dose chemotherapy treatment and yet she made it a point to celebrate her little boy’s birthday as if nothing had happened.I felt too stressed to celebrate that day and it was certainly difficult to feel happy with all the uncertainties that cancer can bring into your life.

But she was different,her spirit remained untouched by the disease.I remember her laughing,clapping and throughly enjoying her little boys birthday.In the years when all was well,she would plan for months – deciding the venue,shopping for outfits and exploring new cake receipes. I guess this was the highpoint of the year for her. On the birthday she would always take a picture on the exact time of his birth.

The first birthday that we celebrated without her,I tried my best to do everything as she would have liked. It had only been a few months since her passing but I felt I couldn’t let her down.So we celebrated as we had always but without her it felt soulless. However to see our son happy and enjoying with his friends made it all worth it.

The duality of grief can be very difficult to handle. A perfectly happy occasion sometimes has grey hues underlining it. It’s a new normal that I have learnt to accept. I feel the pain everyday at realising she is missing out on his growing years and so much else.So many milestones and occasions and she’s not around to experience it.

I guess this is the greatest challenge for people who have undergone deep loss – integrating the loss into life that goes on and living with that bottomless void each day. I hear a lot of ‘everyone’s life is difficult ‘ and that is true but other life challenges don’t even measure up to the endurance that is required to go on in the face of loss of the most important person in your life.

The thoughts that she’s already missed out on so much is unnerving to me. I don’t know how it will feel to have the years go by. I look at pictures of people who celebrate their anniversaries every year, I marvel at the years they have accumulated together. And I’m constantly reminded of what I have lost. I got twelve years and they will stay with me forever. I just didn’t think it will be over so soon when we were looking forward to life so much.

And yet,life goes on..

Always loved

Today is a sacred and special day for me as its my late wife’s birthday. She would have turned 40 today. She would often talk about all the plans she had – of having a big party with all her loved ones, of going on a solo holiday with her friends and many others which remained unfulfilled. 

She loved celebrating her birthday. It pains me no ends that today there’s nothing I can do for her. Why fate had to be so cruel to us I would never know. She would always call people personally to wish them on their birthdays. Even when she was sick and in the hospital, she would call and try not to miss an important occasion. I guess she had a  way of making people feel special. It was one of her many endearing traits. 

There are so many birthdays that we celebrated together. Often it was just us, a quiet dinner or lunch interspersed with phone calls from family and friends. The last one we celebrated together, she had just been back from another grueling round of chemo but she never let it show. We spent a quite evening at home. I treasure that memory a lot, the last one together. 

When I look back everything feels like a dream. We had many years of uninterrupted happiness. At the time it didn’t feel like we were making memories. Of course no one expects their lives to be cut short so mercilessly. 

In a way I’m glad that her last birthday was spent at home and not in the hospital. It was fitting, a last hurrah. Of course at that time despite the harsh reality it felt that we had just hit a road block,that life would go back to what it was eventually. However as I’ve found out, your wishes and dreams have no bearing on reality. 

One of the main reasons I write this blog is to keep her memory alive. It’s a precious record for my little boy to know his mother when he grows up. There’s little else that remains other than memories and I do not want these also to die with me. 

This is the third birthday since her passing. The first one was extremely difficult. It’s not that today it’s gotten any easier. It’s just that you learn to carry the burden better. 

I will be always infinitely proud that I got to spend so much time with such an extraordinary person. If there is any consolation, it’s that she spent her life laughing and chasing her dreams. Even a deadly disease like leukemia couldn’t touch her indomitable spirit. 

Till her last days she fought with extraordinary courage to reclaim the life that had been taken away from her without any rhyme or reason. In the end she left me a much better person than I was when we first got together. 

So today when I can’t do any of the things that you normally do for your loved ones on their birthdays, I quietly pray to her to protect us from harm and keep showing me the way forward. 

Always loved and never forgotten. 

2 years today

Today marks the second anniversary of death, I’m still unsure of how to attach ‘death’ with someone who was so alive. The heart still refuses to believe what the mind has known all along. I’m not sure if it will ever feel real, if it will ever sink in. There’s nothing good about this day as it permanently marked the end of life as I had known it. In one single instance, the innocense and spontaniety about life evaporated.

My late wife lived her life with remarkable enthusiasm down to her last days.Despite the gravity of the situation, there wasn’t a day where we felt that all was lost. Infact just the day before, she had shown visible signs of improvement. I had thought that the worst was over, that we would survive this eventually.

Early in the morning on Mar 12th, I received a call from the ICU. The doctor on call said I shoud rush immediately, I didn’t know how to react. My logical faculties were on the verge of shutting down. It had been almost 10 days since she had been in the ICU fighting with extraordinary courage for life and for the people she had dearly loved.

Before cancer invaded our lives, there was not a single day either of us had spent in the hospital. She was extremely fit, full of energy and filled with a life force that was infectious. Perhaps it’s a testimony to her physical and mental strength that she was able to withstand months of such gruesome treatments.

The day before she was moved to the ICU, she was in unbearable pain.Even getting off from the bed was a nightmare. Yet, she walked to the restroom refusing support, teeth clenched and eyes fierce with determination. I guess  that was her way to defy the odds. The two channels that she had watched most during the long and innumerable hospital stays were comdey central and the food channel. Laughter and food – her two great loves.

In the wee hours of the morning when I got that call, unknown to me the last day of her life in this physical realm had begun. I was handed an xray and told that fluid had filled up in her lungs. I remember asking “surely there would be a way to drain this”, we had come so far in our battle against cancer. How could this be a road block? No one told me what next, I was just told it was serious and they would try a procedure to alter her position so that the fluid could be drained but there were no gaurantees it would work.

By afternoon, I was informed that she might need dialysis as the kidneys were failing. It was only much later that I read that this was the first sign of multi organ failure which means that the end is near. But on that day, I couldnt even remotely fathom it. I was allowed in the ICU in the evening and I sat near her – just the nurse and me surrounded by flickering screens and medical stats that defined life and death.

My eyes were fixated on the screens, I was watching the numbers go up and down. I have no recollection of what I was thinking because I wasnt – I was in a deep mental void, the kind when your brain has decided to shut down in the face of extreme stress. I dont know how long I sat like that, time stopped and freezed on me. I remember being told to take a break and go out but I didnt hear anything. Words no longer registered.

I saw the nurse hustle around and pump in more and more meds to stabilise the falling blood pressure -“pressers” as known in the medical jargon. I looked at my wife and she seemed to be in a deep sleep. The breathig was labored but it was hard to tell as she was on life support.

Then just past 910 pm, the dreaded straight line appeared on the screen. As for me, I still registered nothing. I got up and adamantly asked the nurse and she was too shocked to say anything. Then she murmurred “the doctor will soon come”. I had no idea what she was talking about. The doctor came in and as a matter of fact said “She’s no more”. Still nothing registered. I asked him how can that be as she was still breathing. Of course in my almost comatic state, I had not realized that the life support machine was still on.

I held her hands for the last time – limp and cold. She hardly looked like the person I had known all these years together. Something seemed to have left the body. The absence of the life force was unmistakable.I didnt cry or wail, tears streamed but I was numbed beyond belief. I left the hospital a few hours later, all alone in this world filled with people but without that one person who made my world go around.

I had switched off from this world. I saw everything that was happening around me but they seemed to be coming from a far away place. A few days later, the last rites over,I found myself carrying an urn of ashes.Twelve years of laughter,happiness, countless memories and unfullfilled dreams rested in that urn.In accordance with religious customs I submerged them at the confluence of three rivers.

On the way back, we stopped at a cafe on the same highway that we had gone on numerous holidays together. I recalled the last time we had stopped here, enroute on yet another vacation.I felt a brutal coldness in that moment. It was a feeling cold, unforgiving and of being scaringly alone in a world full of people.I still shudder when I think of that moment.

It was only after everything was over that the pain erupted with its mind numbing intensity. There was no getting away from it. I woke up with it and till I fell into a troubled sleep, there was no respite. My insides screamed with pain but no words would come out.It was almost like I was drowning and no one heard me.

It was then that I realized that getting out your thoughts was a healthy way of grieving. I started this blog and since then have shared my journey here. These two years have been the toughest years that I have had to face and no matter what comes next, I know I would be ok as I came through these – bruised and weary but alive and even thriving on days.

I have not given up on life as that is what I learned from her. Her courage and determination in the toughest moments have inspired me to get back to life and try to live it in the best manner possible. I’m not successful on many days as the weight of memories is sometimes difficult to carry but I try to move forward a little each day.

Today the pain has eased and on most days its a dull ache untill something just brings everything crashing down but hopefully those days are far and few. I have been fortunate to find new love and a new family. Its not been easy for either of us but together we have pushed ahead towards a new life for us and our children. My new life partner is a strong but compassionate person who has not let losses in her life diminish her spirit.I owe much of my recovery to her support and encouragement.

I know that my late wife is with me on this journey and though I have abandoned God just as He abandoned me, I find peace in the fact that I have someone to whom I can pray to. In difficult moments I ask her to show the way forward and it almost always helps in ways that are difficult to explain rationally.

In this journey of two years I have found that grief isolates people. There were some who avoided me like plague. And yet I’m thankful to family and friends who stayed and offered support – through messages, reading these blogs and checking on me when I was down and out.

I have found that no matter what, you will be judged and that’s ok with me. I have never conformed to rules that people impose on others. It seems strange to me that there are some who think that one should be resigned to a miserable life after a loss. Moving forward is considered being selfish and self aborbed.

Though she lived for only 37 years, she lived a life that was full. She got to travel, make numerous friends and lived each day with energy and passion so characterestic of her.She became an incredible life partner, and the most endearing mother to her little boy. People who knew her best often remember her fondly and always talk about the warmth and happiness that she exuded. I know that because it came from within.

On days like this, though I battle raw grief again,I also take pride in the fact that she shared her life with me. We created memories of a lifetime. But losing her has also been the hardest thing that I have had to endure. I believe she would be happy to see me go forward and not give up on life.

I’m now the keeper of precious memories and her enduring legacy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A return to blogging

“Piece by piece, I reenter the world. A new phase. A new body, a new voice. Birds console me by flying, trees by growing, dogs by the warm patch they leave on the sofa. Unknown people merely by performing their motions. It’s like a slow recovery from a sickness, this recovery of one’s self.”— Toby Talbot

 

Its been a very long time since my last post here. This blog is very precious to me as I have recorded so many memories and days of pain, heartbreak and the occasional relief and happiness. In the months that have gone by, my life has changed in many ways which I could not have foreseen a year back.

I got married to a wonderful woman back in Oct last year. She has been on a similar journey as me and we understand each other in many ways. We are quite different individuals and that makes life interesting and enriching as we bring different strengths and weaknesses together. We have a beautiful family now with two boys aged eight and twelve.

While its been an exciting time for all of us, its also been a transitional phase as we try to integrate into a new life together.We still live in different cities but we plan to get together later this year and finally start living the life we have been planning and talking about for some time now.

We will be moving to a new house, a new community, new school for the boys. I’m really looking forward to truly starting a new phase in my life.It has taken a lot of pain,sweat and tears to get to this point but its been worth the struggles.Of course the challenges do not end, there are many new things to be learned, new issues to be addressed.

I think the reason I stopped writing was that at some point it just wore me down. In the beginning when the times were the toughest, it really helped me get my emotions out. I wrote almost everyday, through the intense pain and tears and I found that it helped me survive those days.

Though grief never really goes away, there are still moments of intense sadness but with time and effort you learn to manage it. My reasons for writing are primarily that I love to do it and also I would like to continue so that I can help others who are walking this difficult path.

As I start a new phase in my life, I want to write about the new emotions and feelings I have, the new challenges we face as a blended family and last but not the least how we are continuing on this journey to accomplish new goals and dreams.Not all of this has to be sad and serious. We had a terrible terrible thing happen to us but we are doing ok, we are doing alright.

I used to follow a lot of blogs here, and I will continue to do so because we all share a special kinship. We are survivors, we will go on to live full and enriching lives. The ones we have lost will always have a very special place in our hearts, dearly loved and forever missed. Our lives are richer because they touched us in ways manifold.

Its a journey of ups and downs, not all days are the same but I strive to improve each day.Meditation and walking has really helped me stay calm through all of this.I’m learning new things just for the pleasure of it – long forgotten dreams from my twenties have been reignited.

And then there are days that I feel I’m back in the darkness,the pain is raw again and it feels I have failed myself. I guess, its part of the healing process, and you start all over again. For all those who are on this path, please know that better days will come. For now it might seem improbable, but its true.

The journey continues..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the road of life

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” – Louise Erdrich

I haven’t been writing too much of late because after a long time I’m trying to live life instead of documenting it. Writing has been extremely therapeutic to me on this journey. It has kept me company on numerous days and nights when all seemed lost.

For me things have become a lot easier than it was in those early days and months. I would never ever want to go back to that space again. At the time it was essential to lean into whatever emotions surfaced and just try to survive the darkness.

Over a period of time grief does ease out, it becomes more manageable though it never entirely goes away. Life in the afterloss has many shades. In many ways it’s a transition into a new life.

Much of the battles we fight are fought in silence. Unlike movies, there’s no moving background score, no quick leaps into the future and no dramatic change of scenery.

Instead, life moves painfully slowly sometimes. Weeks and months pass before you suddenly look back and realize how far you have come. Grief has a nasty way of ambushing you from time to time.

Memories and triggers creep up on you seemingly from nowhere but then you find that if you deal with them honestly, they go away and the landscape seems that much more clearer.

I have realized that sometimes you have to consciously let go of things, it helps to look forward in life when you feel you have made some kind of peace with the past.

None of these things happen in sequence or have a logical time frame. I guess it’s all about how you feel at a given point in time. I believe I have made a sincere effort to step out of my grief and move forward with life.

Moving forward doesn’t have to mean forgetting because that’s not possible. My past is very much part of the person I have become today. It’s also a source of strength because I know I’m a survivor, I have fought, I have taken the blows but I have tried to move forward step by step every day.

People say life goes on and it does go on but to go forward new meanings have to be found. When something significant ends, it seems like final but somehow you have to fight your way through so that new beginnings can be made again.

In Aug it will be two years since the cancer diagnosis and the world that I knew ended. It has been the most difficult years in my life. Through it all, I don’t know how I have survived and today I have reached a point where I’ve started living again bit by bit.

It’s taken me a long time, lot of pain and tears to reach this point. I still stumble and fall sometimes but I continue to move forward. I don’t want our lives to be defined by loss.

My love and my loss has chiseled me into someone who values life and relationships much more now than I ever did in the past. I have paid an unthinkable price for having this perspective but I was never given choices.

A grief journey doesn’t have to be only about grief. There are happy moments, there’s laughter and anticipation of new things and most importantly there’s hope for the future.

I’m trying my best to live my life with optimism one day at a time.

The way forward

“For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels; 
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows –
And did it my way! ”

I’m back after a hiatus and I’m feeling much better than I ever was. Love, grief and loss is a part of who I am today and the journey continues. Over the past year I have traveled many paths and valleys.

I haven’t come to any destination or a resting place but I do think I have turned the corner in my journey. I’ve met someone special and remarkable and it has brought hope back into my life.

I still have moments of darkness and I guess I have learned to tide them over and keep moving forward. Sometimes life feels surreal, as if too much has happened in too short a time.

My life has undergone a massive transformation in the last two years. Much of what I had up until that point was completely torn apart in the storm that came from nowhere.

Today I feel I have moved to a place where I can again look at the future with a generous amount of hope and positivity. I have a long way to go but I believe the foundation to rebuild has been laid and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Spending so much time alone has been extremely tough but it has had its benefits. I have a different perspective today, about the world and myself. I think much more deeply about things that matter and am able separate the wheat from the chaff.

There are reminders and triggers and they always will be there, I can’t avoid them but today they don’t hold the same power over me as they once did.

I looked through some of my earlier posts over the last year and while I couldn’t read them again because I fear the pain, I can clearly see how far I have come.

I write this for everyone that is on this difficult journey. There’s hope out there but the only way to it is through the pain. I never thought I would feel better, I never thought I would have a future again and I never thought I would meet someone again.

The challenge for me is to look forward to the future while keeping the memories alive. It’s easier said than done. I have a long way to go but I believe it is possible.

I still feel a lot of pain and anguish from time to time but I believe I have begun to heal in a lot of ways. I have rediscovered my interest in reading, traveling and many other things that used to make life so pleasurable. I believe those are good signs.

Some evenings when I’m by myself, my mind wanders and I think about all the things that have happened that have got me to where I’m today. I could have never seen it coming. Just goes on to show how precious life is and how redundant it is to plan too far ahead.

I have learned that life is to be lived in short bursts and with the hope that someday it will all come together and make sense. As long as we have dreams, love, hope, grief..emotions, it means we are alive to the moment. In essence it’s all that there is.

A bend in the river

“Andy Dufresne: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”

I’ve been very busy at work recently working late nights and several weekends. When push comes to shove, my mind goes into auto pilot and even though I detest the long hours, somehow when I’m involved, I’m in.

So in the midst of it all, I suddenly realized after a few days that I had been actually thinking about work all the time. I was scared that once the work pressure plateaued, I would be sucked into the emptiness again.

It did hit again this weekend as the now familiar silence started ringing in my ears. But I noticed that the pain wasn’t as intense. Yes the sadness was there but suddenly there was also a new determination to move ahead.

I don’t know if this is momentary or something more lasting but whatever it is, I welcomed the feeling. I had forgotten what getting up in the mornings and not feeling the stabs in the heart were like.

I found myself talking to people at work, making small talk and outside of work, actually reading the current issue of national geographic. The past editions still lie on my desk at home unopened.

I felt like a small window had opened again and though it’s not all rosy, maybe I could do this, maybe I could survive and come out on the other side.

My scarred self refuses to believe what I experienced. It tells me it won’t last, that I’m deluding myself. It says I can’t touch life again. But my heart says there’s hope, just as the seasons change, these dark clouds won’t hover forever.

A grief journey doesn’t have to be only about sadness. Loss is as much a part of life as love is. One follows the other. I don’t believe in moving on for I can’t forget and just move on. I’m not wired like that, none of us are.

But I do believe in moving forward and it only comes after you have experienced pain head on, only after you have let every feeling surface and see it create ripples and then slowly disappear.

You move forward with the past not without it because the past merges into who you are today. People often talk of letting go but I disagree, moving ahead doesn’t mean a clear break with the past. To me it means making peace with your past and letting it become a part of who you are today.

Unfortunately this journey has no milestones because you will revisit the same emotions again, you will walk the same path yet again but you will get back on the highway. And again back on the dirt roads.

But that doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. You are getting better at getting back every day . This has been my experience as I walk this path every day.

So today as I was driving, my son suddenly started talking about his mom, he often does and so lovingly that you have to be thankful for the dark glasses. Yet another bend and then after a few moments spent fighting tears, back on the road again.

Peace and courage.

I often think

I often think of the moments I still had you
Things that I said and things I should have said but didn’t
I know it doesn’t matter for you knew it all
I just had to look at you and you understood

Now that I’ve been alone for so long I often think about the days that were
I’ve been doing well after so long and yet I feel it’s hollow, it’s all fake

I often think about who I am without you
And then like a warm blanket this thought envelopes me
I can never be alone, I can never be without you

So much of what is left of me is yours
I’m a changed man because of your love
And this gives me the strength to go on
Wherever I’m, there you are..