I was working from home last few days. After I came back from the break, it was terrifying to be at home. But I tried to think what I was running from. It was the emptiness that was inside me,I couldn’t run away and besides no matter what happened this was still our home. How could I run away from it?
So I immersed myself between taking care of Nishu and working. I must have been drugged or something as I just worked non stop. I have no idea where this focus comes sometimes. It scares me.After couple of days like this, I have realized I need to step out and go back to work just to not be myself so much. But I’m glad I can say I’m not terrified anymore of being at home. I can take care of home, work and my little boy, he is happy with me. I owe this to her,she must have been looking over me.
By no means this is over, l have to fight the realization every day. Its hard for people to understand how crazy all of this is. There is no end to this emotional roller coaster. But this is the other side of life. I write what I feel like, I have to be honest with myself. Whom am I going to fool anyway. There are so many people out there suffering because they have lost a loved one. The social isolation is a subject in itself as people either learn to ignore or feel helpless.
I am beginning to realize that this won’t have a definite end point. It will be like one step forward and two backwards. You inch forward slowly and keep getting hit by darkness. The way she lived her life is by putting others before herself. I am far from it,I never thought through how I wanted to live.
Sometimes I think how can a person go from your life just like that, what happens to the memories,the consciousness lives doesn’t it?I don’t know because it takes a lot of time to find that within your self.These are mysteries of the universe that none can solve. But I believe all that really matters is what you believe in. I believe I will never let go,”We will be together always”, I had said. Its time to be true to that belief.
Few days back at her place we went out to the club, one of her favorite childhood memories. I remembered she said she loved the paneer pakodas, the mutton cutlets and much more. I told her she was the only one I met who remembered places by food.It was hard going there and having all these memories ambush you.However there was some live singing on and suddenly this song came up.I had vaguely heard earlier but I have listened to this several times after that night.Its pretty much the philosophy of her life.
Madhuban Khushboo Deta Hai: http://youtu.be/8NrNLeGfnB4
Strange how you find the truth in unlikely places.Talking about songs,another few favorites here,
Few books I have been reading:
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye
Healing after loss- daily meditations
The year of magical thinking
A grief Observed.
These have kept me from going over the edge,connecting my thoughts to people who have walked this path before. These are best hitting honest works no sugar coating or false promises.This is what I turn to in these times and reading and music provide solace.
So its my hope tonight that any person who comes here can acess these books and find some solace just like I did.