It’s been an extremely emotional weekend. For several weeks it’s as if something had to give. I had been riding an emotional roller-coaster. I was extremely sad on some days and surprisingly mechanical on others but all this while an emotional surge was just waiting to happen.
This weekend it was like the storm came to pass. I don’t know what triggered it, the day out yesterday or something else. Suddenly, the tears just won’t stop as the growing realization that she’s not there. All this time spent at home had given hope to illusions that she was still around. But yesterday I came to grips with the fact. By Saturday night, I was drowning in emotions.
Most of the day today, I just let the tears flow. I couldn’t hold back any longer. Nor do I have any reservation in mentioning this on a public blog. The whole intention of starting this blog was to be true to my feelings. If tears don’t flow for losing the love of your life then I don’t know what it will for.
They came in torrents till I was exhausted and feeling bereft of anymore emotional outpouring. Through the tears many years of togetherness were relived. I miss her so much, I just don’t have better words to express what she meant to me. Everything worthwhile about me is because of her. I don’t know what would have become of me had I not met her.
Despite my grave misfortune, I can’t believe my luck that she came into my life. The years with her just flew by,like the years in her eventful life. This pain of losing the person you have loved most is strange. It is on one hand unbearable and on the other hand it’s like a continuing assurance of still being together. I don’t know how else to explain it.
The intensity of emotions I have felt today have left me shocked. But despite the shock, I’m relieved because it’s also my love for her, at some level we are still together. The weeks of drudgery and work had made me scared if I had anything left inside me. There is a growing sadness as each day begins and ends without her.
The realization that I will not see her again in this life is enough encouragement for my tears. How does one come to grips with this fact alone? When I write it just like that, I belie the gravity of what it means. For those fortunate to be with their loved ones, just take this thought and dwell on it. Unfortunately, I don’t even have the luxury to dwell on it for I’m living this nightmare everyday.
Real loss and Grief, this is what it comes to. My only advice to all those who have given me much well intentioned advice to get on with it – never judge a person till you are in their shoes. I’m sorry to be rude, and I know if there was something that she couldn’t tolerate it was rudeness. I have to say that no one can understand the shit I go through every day.
After a few months, people go back to their lives and expect you to do the same. People move on at work and assume you would have to. The only problem is your life has been so totally ripped off that moving on is delusional at best. What should I move on to? I know I have to spend the rest of my life alone. I have no urgency to move onto that.
I find myself thinking many times a day – what is she doing now, I hope she’s been eating well, the list goes on. I know how scary that sounds, I haven’t yet lost my mind but sometimes I’m precariously close. I know grief does different things to people but this is what it’s done to me. Not to mention how mad I feel thinking just a year back at this time, she was still around and the world still made sense.
Today has been one of the saddest days in my life, there have been few more I can’t even summon the courage to write about. If there was a watershed moment in this journey, today was it. My fears were laid bare, I won’t be seeing her anymore, she’s no longer there. It has taken me months to reach this stage and when I have, the flood gates have opened. I have truly lost her.
What does it mean to live alone? I face this question everyday and there are new meanings to be found everyday. She cared so much for me, if I had so much of a scratch, she would fuss over it. Recently on the way back from the hospital, the driver dropped me at work and she sent me a message to check if I had crossed the road properly. The message brought tears back then for she was going through so much herself and still worrying about me. That’s how she was, always putting others first.
I think she knew well, I have loved her like no other in my life from the time I met her for the first time. It was hard not to have loved her, the person she was. The most engaging smile, the ever infections laughter, the beauty outside and more importantly within. Where will I find her again? If I could and I will probably for Nishu, write reams about the love we shared.
I know that in the years you share together, sometimes you don’t express your love that often. The enthusiasm of the early years sometimes dissolves into the monotony of daily life and it did happen with us too. But despite that, we knew how much we cared for each other, it was evident in the messages I sent, in my happiness to get home to be with her every day,in my sulking over worthless things and her teasing me no ends. It was evident in our disagreements and our fights and makeups.
More so, it was evident in our fight against the gross injustice of nature. Except the first day, we never broke down in front of each other. Maybe we should have, but then it was a manifestation of our love, the illusion that we were keeping strong. I know she was but let me confess today, I wasn’t. I can’t keep count of the times I have broken down in my own company and on rare occasions in company of close friends.
When it came to her, my heart quivered. I can’t describe the feeling when on the rare occasion, we met after a gap of a few days. I know it drove her crazy but that’s how precious she was to me. Call it my selfishness but I just couldn’t take the parting. I would like to think it was and is my crazy love for her. My most cherished moment is when we hugged in the elevator all three of us at the Omaha airport, we had been away for little less than two weeks. These are memories that give me the strength to go on today all alone.
I know this is long winded but today my emotions have reached a crescendo and I’m making no exceptions, it’s taken a while to reach this point. I don’t know if this is what acceptance feels like. I won’t call it accepting defeat, she gave her life in this battle. We have fought together many of us. Rajoo, Simran and Rena if you are reading this, I want you to know how grateful I’m to each one of you. You all mean the world to me after Nilu. I will also like to mention Vinni, thank you for checking on us and calling me. You have no idea what it felt to someone lonely and heart broken like me. For that I’m grateful and also for the fact you could meet her in the ICU. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Simran & Harry- How can I thank you enough? You checked on Nilu and me every single day, and I want everyone to know it was literally every single day. I know I don’t deserve friends like you but Nilu did and I’m ever so grateful for everything you have done. I just want you to know you can count on me if ever you need me in this life, I’m there for you all. I can’t describe what it felt like having you both meet Nilu during her last days. When we meet, I have many more things to say to you both. Forgive me, my emotions have taken over today. I sincerely want you to enjoy your vacation and live it up for Nilu. You know how she was about vacations!
Rajoo & Meenakshi – What do I say to both of you? You have done so much for us. The times we spent in that waiting room, it will stay with me for life. Today I was feeling very very low, then I thought about Nilu and you all. I don’t have words to describe what you mean for us. Nishu is fortunate to have family like you. I know I’m little bit socially awkward but I hope you do know that you are the first people in my calling list if I ever get into trouble. I know Nilu would have wanted me to write this and I second her thoughts.
Rena – I know how much Nilu loved you, she told me about you all, all the time. She was closest to you. I know we haven’t spoken much, blame it on Nilu, when did she allow anyone else to speak!
But I want you to know that I’m there for you, as much a friend like Nilu. I know we have much similar tastes in books and music, so that helps!. Nishu is so fortunate to have a massi like you.
Sunita, Sheila & Bua – I know I haven’t got a chance to know you well but I want you to know how much Nilu loved you all. She talked about you all the time and was forever asking me to move to Singapore. I’m grateful for everything you have done, I haven’t been able to put it in meaningful words but let me say this – Nilu connects all of us. Please tell Bua, how happy Nilu was to have spent that time with her. It’s so precious now.
I know this sounds like a thank you list but it’s not. There’s so much more left to do with Nishu. Most importantly, we have to keep Nilu alive, she did so much for us. The least we can do for her is to keep her memory and her spirit alive. She is an extraordinary person married to a much ordinary person like myself. I’m so fortunate to have her. Do notice I haven’t used the past tense for Nilu. I guess she would have liked that. I know I don’t need to say it but I loved her in this life and I continue to love her beyond.
By the way though it sounds like one, I’m not done yet it’s not the final post. I don’t know who reads or who doesn’t. I will continue to write for someone I have loved with all my heart. Every entry in this blog is for you sweetheart. As I used to say – I love you always.
I have had no sleep tonight, I have let the tears flow today. Today has been the most emotional day in my life after the shock of it all.
I don’t know what has brought me to this day or what has triggered it. I will say at last I’ve accepted it and as expected while it has taken a while it has hurt like hell. I have had to summon all my willpower to write this. I hope it has shown enough glimpses of the emotional fool I am. I have no shame in saying that I have written this with my blood and tears. There is nothing to quote today except her – “You should have some zest in life”