We went to watch transformers yesterday and both Nishu and me quite enjoyed the movie. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than seeing smiles on his little face. But every time he’s happy I get a sharp jab of pain that she’s missing it and I can’t help reminiscing. She would have enjoyed the movie so much, we would have had a coffee afterwards, her favorite cold coffee with crushed ice.
Then we would have gotten Nishu his favorite transformer toy, done some groceries and returned home. Being a Saturday evening, she would have ordered in and we would have watched a late night movie over dinner and drinks. It’s always the little things that make life worth living. While I miss her all the time, on weekends when I’m out and see all the other happy and busy people, it just accentuates my loss.
Grief doesn’t let me enjoy even otherwise a perfect evening with my son. There is always that emptiness, an acute sense of loneliness. I don’t know what to do with it, I try to leave it at home but the sucker that it is, it follows me like a shadow everywhere. It puts voices in my head and makes my eyes well up at unlikely places without any warning.
Often I find myself unconsciously reaching to call her or go to the other room and tell her something. It just lasts a split second but it’s enough to ruin the day for me. The deafening silence and the void created by her absence are too much to bear sometimes. Just the other day someone asked me “are you coming out of it” and I didn’t know how to answer that question. Problem is that there are clear moments before I plunge into darkness again. There is no defining moment where I can say things have gotten better.
At this point I don’t even know what ‘better’ means. All I think of is that today she’s not there and ten years later also she won’t be around so what’s the point of ‘better’. I have no illusions about my future, I know how painful it’s going to be but then having already lost everything what do I have to fear. It sometimes make me put on my ‘I could care less’ hat.
I try to find distractions for myself. I read, I blog, watch movies and try to introspect to see what else I would like to do in my free time. But I also find that no matter what I do, there is really no distraction. I’m beginning to realize that instead of trying to run away, I need to walk with it, make the loneliness in my life a friend. We need to have a toast and take one for the long road ahead.
Sometimes I think, I need to take a vacation and go somewhere. But I’m also a little afraid of having too much time by myself. The monotony of daily life at least numbs the pain somewhat. But then this is also no way to live. So I guess I need to keep trying and try to face my fears rather than running from them.
I know there are so many people out there who are traversing this difficult path. Suffering makes us all united in this journey. Of course each of us have our own demons to fight, our own little battles going on. But we all have to be on this path because it’s also the only one out of this dark place. I wish everyone peace in this journey.
So yesterday, I got my son his favorite ‘Bumblebee’, had a coffee and looked grief in the face for a brief moment and said “to hell with you, I will see you later, for now you can take a hike.”
“It’s like the people who believe they’ll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn’t work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean.”
― Neil Gaiman