The fog I’m in hasn’t started to lift yet. To move forward I need to carry the past with me. But it clings to me asking me to stay awhile, there will be a time to move forward but perhaps not now. Not yet. I feel really isolated with the world.
There are several days I don’t feel like reading the news or even watching TV though I have the time but none of it makes sense in the current circumstances. At work, I’m able to get by sometimes by choice and at other times by will. The sameness of my days strikes me. It’s as if I can’t separate any given day from another.
In fact I would be hard pressed to remember any of the days recently gone by. I simply have no memory of many of these. What is there to remember anyway for they have been an exercise in extreme dullness. I have done things that needed to be done and left it at that. Beyond it there has been simply no drive, no enthusiasm or no looking forward to anything.
The only positive has been the fact that it tires me no ends and I realize this is not the way I would want to live for long. I think about my son’s future more than my own. If there is still a worthwhile reason to live and work, I only need to look at him. It’s for him that I’m trying to make an effort to keep moving.
Grief oscillates, sometimes easing it’s wily grip and at other times just overpowering me. Sometimes when I’m able to relax a bit and start thinking about normal things, it pierces me again. It never stops short of reminding me where I have come to in my life.
I have no indications from her on how I should live my life. We never discussed a life that was going to be spent alone. During the months of treatments and fighting the disease it was always about staying strong and keep moving forward. There was never a time when we talked about giving up and discussing alternatives.
The times I went through in the aftermath, I would have never thought possible. Everything felt and still feels surreal. I realize this magnitude of loss takes time to settle into any kind of reality. It has several layers that need attention.
I do believe it’s possible to survive this. It’s not a journey where you arrive but rather you stay the course. It changes you as a person and I know how much it has changed me already. The world around me keeps moving at a much different pace. I don’t feel the need to match it’s step. My path is my own and I have to walk at my own pace.