Friday nights are often the loneliest because the work week is over and what used to be the unbridled joy of the weekend is now replaced by a numbness which alternates between pain and sometimes the utter lack of it.
I can’t say I’m sad and I know I’m certainly not happy, I’m just indifferent – indifferent to life and all its pleasures. I let myself feel what I feel and leave it at that. I don’t track my ‘progress’ for I have come to realize the futility of it.
This journey is anything but linear. I go a step forward then without even realizing it’s a few steps back and I’m all over the place. I have realized the important thing is to keep traveling, keep showing up for life no matter how you feel inside.
I am already into the season of firsts without her – her first birthday, our sons first birthday, the first holiday season, the first new years eve, and then a whole year with nothing but myself. And no one’s said the seconds will be any easier.
Sometimes I wish I lived near an ocean. I want to be still and listen to the sound of waves crashing against the rocks. I want the waves to sooth the pain within, wash away the dark residue. I want to walk with the soft sand slipping between my toes giving me a sensation of falling.
I think about the future and the absurdity of life. A lot about life just doesn’t make sense any more and yet some of it has started to make sense. The insignificance of day to day things we fret about stares me in the face.
Anything that can be exchanged for money is not to be worried about. All the money in the world can’t bring back the person you love. Money is important but it’s only a means to an end. Time is way more valuable than money. I read somewhere “give your children extra time not money”.
When we were fighting this battle in the hospital, I used to look out the window and see the world go by. It was the same world we had been part of for so long and how distant it seemed. I get the same feeling today.
If there is any positive out of this whole thing, it’s that I’m no longer afraid. I have seen the word “difficult” take on new meanings every day so much so that it doesn’t unnerve me anymore. I’ve been there and I’ve seen it all.
Life stretches out unknown out there and that’s OK, we don’t need to know everything. Sometimes not knowing what tomorrow brings helps deal with the darkness of today. It gives you hope that maybe it’s going to be different tomorrow.
I don’t intend to waste this life. I have to live for both of us. The love we shared is bigger than my Grief. I know I have a long way to go before I can arrive at a place of peace and acceptance but I’m prepared to take the pain to get there.
I wish I could just reach out and hold her hand. But maybe I don’t need to, she never left me. I just need to hold on to her and keep walking to wherever this path takes me. As they say the greatest journeys are the ones which bring you home.
“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook