Hazy days and lonely nights

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I have been keeping busy with a full schedule at work and taking care of my son. At some level it helps to keep up with the world but it also aggravates the pain specially when you start worrying about work, career and the normal things again only to realize that nothing is the same anymore.

I still experience shock and panic attacks though they seem to have lessened. The sadness is always there lingering like a dark cloud above waiting to pour. Sticking to a routine helps me get through most days and I have no other expectations. Some days are just very hard and I don’t know how but I get through them.

When weekends and holidays come around, it’s doesn’t get any easier. The empty evenings hurt the most, being with people doesn’t help much with the loneliness. I try to watch TV or some movie and find that nothing gives me any pleasure. Taking long walks helps calm my mind and I do that most days.

I love the time I spend with my son – taking him out, story telling or watching movies but outside of that I don’t know what to do with my time. When she was around, I had lots of interests and I had no problems spending time alone. Those things just don’t feel the same anymore.

I know in time I have to find my own path and no one can help me with that. I also know how I live has a direct impact on the emotional well being of my son. I haven’t given up on life but I don’t know what I want from it now. I feel like a weary traveler on an unknown journey, a journey whose destination is unknown.

In some sense we are all travelers journeying between life and death. There’s much to learn and experience in between, in whatever time we have been given. Maybe my loneliness will help me discover my true self and help me forge a path ahead . In time I may start liking my own company and that might help.

“…it’s not just the person who fills a house, it’s their I’ll be back later!s, their toothbrushes and unused hats and coats, their belongingnesses.”
― David Mitchell, Black Swan Green

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