A Sombre Birthday

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Our little boy turned seven today. This was his first birthday without his beloved mom. Grief has tortured me so much that there are times you get simply tired of it. I was so sick of the darkness that I unconsciously pushed myself out of it.

I know how difficult today could have been and in some ways it was but I just didn’t want to spend another day wallowing in my grief. It was our boy’s special day and I really wanted to enjoy the day with him and I know if live, I feel much closer to her.

I truly felt better today than I have done in months. I also felt throughout the day that she was with me. It’s difficult to describe these things in words. Yes, I missed her like I do everyday but the difference was that I chose to move forward and not stay stuck. It’s complex how emotions take center stage. They can come from nowhere and knock you out.

But I survived all the triggers today. I have been there in dark corners on so many days that my mind pushed me to try life instead. The unbridled enthusiasm of children is so contagious that it lifts you up even in worst moments. Just seeing the joy and excitement on his face dispelled all the darkness. It was like someone had flicked the light switch.

After days, weeks and months of ruthless pain and agony, the clouds broke for a bit and allowed some sunshine to stream through. I know well this is not a linear process, I could well find myself drowning in the waves of sorrow in the days to come but I’m glad today was not one of those days.

She loved planning his birthdays, choosing party themes, outfits, sending invites always with her endearing personal touch. I only had to pay the bills and show up. Today, her absence was deafening, no matter what we do we can’t get away from it. And yet, it was like she was with us. I know she can never be far from her boys.

It’s been seven years and it still feels like yesterday when we witnessed the birth of our little boy. I will always remember and cherish the moment when I held him for the first time. I felt the kind of peace and happiness that I had never experienced. It was a magical moment.

I also remember the first few months of being new parents and how we struggled on our own learning things as we went along. I used to spend hours in babysrus marveling at everything invented for babies. Those were the best years of our lives. Life seemed to stretch out happy and inviting.

Today it’s just me in the parent equation. Life took such a tragic turn  that I could have never ever seen it coming even in my worst nightmares. But it has happened, I lost the love of my life and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have been given no choices but to go on. I get tired of the grief and the loneliness, tired of breaking down behind closed doors, tired of dreaming about a future which cannot come to pass, tired of feeling sorry for us but I still chose to live because life is what she meant to me. I keep reminding myself that if I live, she lives on through me. I owe it to her to take her dreams about us forward.

” There was a star danced, and under that was I born. -Shakespeare”

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