Life is Hard

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My life has never felt harder than it is now. I continue to feel low, demotivated, listless – in short crap. I wish I had something more positive to write but since I absolutely detest pretense, I  will take my own advice and stay honest with my emotions.

Each day is hard without respite. Waking up in the mornings and coming back after work remain the lowest points. I miss her through out the day and even more when the day ends. I miss having someone to talk to, discuss and share life.

At the moment, life seems like an endless charade of following a mundane routine and weekends which are even worse alone. Sometimes I’m filled with anger and frustration. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard.

I envy the normalcy in others lives. I’m filled with bitterness when I overhear colleagues talking to their wives or when I get the married couple jokes. They remind me that I’m out of place now. In fact I don’t fit in anywhere.

The past keeps running in my head like a movie projector. I have serious doubt’s several times if I can survive this nightmare that my daily life has become. I have lost interest in most things I used to enjoy once.

I have read plenty of books on grief and bereavement and they confirm my understanding that the only way to peace is through the valley of sorrow. There’s simply no evading grief. My only hope is to survive it while it runs it’s course. Even that seems improbable sometimes.

The grief stricken mind works in mysterious ways. I will be fine one moment, trying to read something and feel a bit normal when my mind will start running the images and voices from a happy evening somewhere lost in past. The realization that I can never be with her again simply tears away any shreds of normalcy.

Then there is fear to deal with. Fear about loneliness and an uncertain future, fear about losing my sanity, fear about living rest of my life without her, fear about raising our Son alone, fear about not having enough motivation to accomplish anything in life.

I stand at a place where my old life has vanished and the new life is unknown. In short I don’t have a life right now, I’m simply existing, doing things that need to be done, fulfilling my responsibilities as a single parent.

Will it get better some day? I hope it does because it’s not possible to live a lifetime like this. Maybe some day life will become bearable, tears won’t be spilled everyday, loneliness would not feel killing but one thing will remain – her absence. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. It will follow me like a shadow everywhere at all times.

The only person I could pour my heart out to is gone. She was the one I leaned on in every difficult situation. I find that the void is so immense that I just can’t seem to understand the gravity of it all. My marital status has changed to widower on forms that I fill. I don’t know how to interpret that.

I have also read a lot on spirituality and the countless true stories of a connection that survives death and is immortal. I do believe in that and feel it from time to time but the fact remains that I miss her and I miss our life together.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I will be eternally grateful for that. I never thought that the life we created together would end so soon. I never thought I would be left behind wondering what to do with this life.

I know that the world moves on and there’s work to be done, bills to be paid but all this seems so shallow and meaningless without that one person in the world who made life worth living.

“Let the darkness find you if it must. Throw off the quick and tempting escapes, and seek help only from those who would teach you to grow, feed your soul, embrace your heart, but would not steal away your journey.”
― Jennifer DeLucy

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5 thoughts on “Life is Hard

  1. Grief certainly does like to hang around for a long time. I am not sure we ever completely get over a devastating loss. It changes who we are and how we view the world. We simply learn to live with the new crack in our heart. It is great that you are being honest with your emotions. For me, it was the loss of my daughter. Like you, little things trigger it. Instead of colleagues discussing their wives, for me it is colleagues discussing their children. Facebook has been a dangerous place for me the last few months as well. Every now and then though, I wake up and realize that I have put one foot in front of the other for a while and am functioning like a sane adult. I realize that I can still find joy in small things; I just need to work harder at it than the average adult. I have found that those moments of joy have increased as time has gone on. I like to think of them as my daughter reminding me that she is praying for me from heaven. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment. The world likes to think that Grief is something you get healed from only if you give it time. But people like you and me who are on this journey know that you learn to live within the loss not outside of it. Loss is an irreversible process, maybe the epicenter shifts with time but it’s always there just like love is always there. I know there are no words invented to describe the loss we feel for our loved ones. I wish you much deserved peace and courage. We all need it on this most difficult of life journeys.

  2. The loneliness and longing for yesterday are the hardest…Regrets..Guilt..An empty hole in your heart that can never be filled. Learning to live as half a person after experiencing completeness is not fair. Keep breathing.

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