My life has never felt harder than it is now. I continue to feel low, demotivated, listless – in short crap. I wish I had something more positive to write but since I absolutely detest pretense, I will take my own advice and stay honest with my emotions.
Each day is hard without respite. Waking up in the mornings and coming back after work remain the lowest points. I miss her through out the day and even more when the day ends. I miss having someone to talk to, discuss and share life.
At the moment, life seems like an endless charade of following a mundane routine and weekends which are even worse alone. Sometimes I’m filled with anger and frustration. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard.
I envy the normalcy in others lives. I’m filled with bitterness when I overhear colleagues talking to their wives or when I get the married couple jokes. They remind me that I’m out of place now. In fact I don’t fit in anywhere.
The past keeps running in my head like a movie projector. I have serious doubt’s several times if I can survive this nightmare that my daily life has become. I have lost interest in most things I used to enjoy once.
I have read plenty of books on grief and bereavement and they confirm my understanding that the only way to peace is through the valley of sorrow. There’s simply no evading grief. My only hope is to survive it while it runs it’s course. Even that seems improbable sometimes.
The grief stricken mind works in mysterious ways. I will be fine one moment, trying to read something and feel a bit normal when my mind will start running the images and voices from a happy evening somewhere lost in past. The realization that I can never be with her again simply tears away any shreds of normalcy.
Then there is fear to deal with. Fear about loneliness and an uncertain future, fear about losing my sanity, fear about living rest of my life without her, fear about raising our Son alone, fear about not having enough motivation to accomplish anything in life.
I stand at a place where my old life has vanished and the new life is unknown. In short I don’t have a life right now, I’m simply existing, doing things that need to be done, fulfilling my responsibilities as a single parent.
Will it get better some day? I hope it does because it’s not possible to live a lifetime like this. Maybe some day life will become bearable, tears won’t be spilled everyday, loneliness would not feel killing but one thing will remain – her absence. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. It will follow me like a shadow everywhere at all times.
The only person I could pour my heart out to is gone. She was the one I leaned on in every difficult situation. I find that the void is so immense that I just can’t seem to understand the gravity of it all. My marital status has changed to widower on forms that I fill. I don’t know how to interpret that.
I have also read a lot on spirituality and the countless true stories of a connection that survives death and is immortal. I do believe in that and feel it from time to time but the fact remains that I miss her and I miss our life together.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I will be eternally grateful for that. I never thought that the life we created together would end so soon. I never thought I would be left behind wondering what to do with this life.
I know that the world moves on and there’s work to be done, bills to be paid but all this seems so shallow and meaningless without that one person in the world who made life worth living.
“Let the darkness find you if it must. Throw off the quick and tempting escapes, and seek help only from those who would teach you to grow, feed your soul, embrace your heart, but would not steal away your journey.”
― Jennifer DeLucy