It doesn’t get any easier

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This is the question that mocks me every day – How do I go on without the person who gave meaning to my life? Everyday I struggle, some days I think that I can’t take it any more but life pulls me along. No matter how I feel the sun rises again and before I realize, I have to go through it all over again.

I feel tired and emotionally drained. All I want at the end of each day is just to crash into her arms and pour my heart out but it’s just wishful thinking. I start each day the same way – getting my son ready for school. I find that taking care of him gives my life some purpose. I have a few hours to myself after that. Some days I use this time to write or meditate. On other days I just want to sleep it out to escape the loneliness.

While driving to work, I keep thinking about how will I get through another day. Some days I just keep busy and try to get on with it. On other days I find it too tough. I take breaks whenever I can, go on solo walks, talk to her in my head and just about manage to survive.

After close to ten months, I still find this life surreal. My mind keeps going over the past – happy memories that take me to another time and place only to bring me back into the darkness of the present. There is so much I have to act for others so that they don’t feel uncomfortable. They don’t want to look beyond and I couldn’t be bothered to tell them.

Suffering in silence is part of the deal that I have been handed. The world moves along and I act that I move with it but within I know the truth. I fear that no one will catch me if I fall and the thought keeps me from falling. My little boy needs me and I can’t give up. I take in this suffering, this pain for him. It’s a promise I made to her and I intend to honor that in every way possible.

After all these months it hasn’t gotten any easier. Next few months are going to be particularly hard with our anniversary coming up in Feb and then March rolls along marking a year. I don’t know what lies after that. I have no idea what to do with summer vacations. Going somewhere doesn’t bring me any peace. The moment I’m back it all goes back to where I left it. Also there’s only as many happy families and couples that I can tolerate.

The year has just begun and I can already feel it’s intensity. It’s not that I don’t try. I sincerely do but I just miss her so much. I believe in afterlife and I know that consciousness survives. I know she can hear my thoughts and I know that she’s with me always. And yet that is of little help when I come back from work and want to talk and have dinner together like we used to. I want to make holiday plans together, plan weekends but it’s all gone never to come back.

I know I crave for things I will never have but I can’t help it. I’m frail and weak. Grief has broken me from the inside. I am trying to survive with what is left of me. The pain of missing the person you have loved with all your heart cannot be described in enough words. It can only be felt by those who have loved and lost.

I’m reading, doing little things, I walk every day but none of it appears to help when I start sinking. It hurts to see her being forgotten, it hurts to know that soon it will be a year and then many more. From waking up together every day I would have gone to waking up alone for a year and many more to come.

I’m not looking for solutions for I know well that there are none. I’m trying my best to find a way to live with this sadness. I do hope that it gets better. I just don’t know how  and in what way. I yearn for my previous life and it seems to be getting further and further away from me. Maybe some day I will glimpse what lies beyond the horizon for me.

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3 thoughts on “It doesn’t get any easier

  1. Just re-reading a couple of your posts and thank you for sharing. Your comment – grief is sacred. So resonates with me today. I had once thought of sacred in a different way. I have grieved before, never in this way. I expect that this journey will be long and hard as I expect the measure and mile of the grief would be commiserate with the depth and breadth of the love. I was greeted this morning by my calendar reminder that tomorrow is Ground Hog’s Day – while that may be true it would have been my 24th wedding anniversary; and like you March marks the month of his death. I wish us both well through these last few months of the firsts. My hope is that our perseverance will serve as a remind for all of the milestones to come that we made it through them before we can do it again. At least for me, many of them have not been pretty, but they have been survived none the less. Best to you.

  2. This post mirrors my mom’s existence right now. We lost Dad to cancer 3 months ago and I’m worried she won’t recover. They were married almost 50 years. I’m concerned that the longer we feel his absence, the more we will miss him and that, ultimately, my mom will not experience happiness again. I’m an empath and I can feel her sinking into the abyss. I, too, believe in an after-life, and yet the notion of such a place yields little comfort. I hope you find some inkling of peace on this solemn and lonely journey.

    • Thank you for sharing. I’m saddened to hear about your mom. Unfortunately, grief is a very isolating and solitary journey. I hope and pray that you and your mom find some level of peace in your journey. Take care.

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