Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we’re gone.
― Cecelia Ahern, P.S. I Love You
Thirteen years ago today I was getting married and about to begin the happiest phase of my life and today I find myself alone writing this blog. I don’t know what else to do being without my heart and soul – my wife.
The days leading up to today have been extremely difficult and I know the days that will follow will be no less. In the midst of loss and grief,this day what used to be ours has also been taken from us.
I miss her every minute of every day and its not that once today is done, I will feel any big relief. In that regard, today is as hard as any other day has been without her.
However, today I don’t want to write only about how much I miss her but I also want to write about us – the love we shared, the timeless memories we made and above all the extraordinary life she lived.
We were married in traditional Hindu rituals which typically go on till the wee hours of the morning. Ever the non conformist I hated religious ceremonies of any sort. I could never make sense of what the priest was asking me to do.
It would be fair to say that I sleep walked through the entire ceremony. I must have committed many guffaws mostly because I wasn’t paying attention and by the end of it I was dog tired.
But I still remember that incredible feeling after it was all done. I felt this warm feeling wash all over me – I wasn’t alone anymore,I had someone really special in my life. And even back then it seemed I had always known her.
From the time we met for the first time it never felt that there was a time in my life that I had not known her. It seemed that she had always been a part of my life. We were soulmates in every sense of the word.
We were two opposites – she the beautiful, gregarious, warm, affectionate, life of a party and me the gawky, boring introvert. But together we were a force, a team worthy of fighting anything life threw at us and for the most part we prevailed.
I was the happiest with her around. My world started and ended with her. I had few friends and she was making new friends all the time. Our home was always buzzing with her high energy and infections enthusiasm for life.
Her love for travelling the world and seeing new places took us on many unforgettable journeys. I’m glad I could indulge her passion. Her love for food always makes me smile. She was an incorrigible foodie and in her company I also started relishing new cuisines.
Whenever we ate out, she would always order for me. I couldn’t be bothered except checking out the drinks menu. She could go on and on about food while I could hardly remember my last meal. Whenever I went out for business lunches at some fancy place, I always brought her something from the coffee shop.
Anniversaries were always special. She would always tell our little boy that “this was the day mom and dad got married” and in his childish innocence he would always be cross that we left him out of all the fun.
She hated Valentines day and would always say why there has to be a specific day for anything. However I was always the one with gifts and cards. After she got tired of getting the same perfumes, chocolates and watches, we formed a pact of buying something for the house instead – an air conditioner,a new TV, home appliances or whatever we wanted to get. My hopes of getting that lazy boy recliner were dashed several times.
Our relationship wasn’t perfect and I’m glad it wasn’t for there’s no such thing. We had our fair share of fights and arguments, I must have been the one to blame in most of these. However what I remember most is that many times it ended with both of us bursting out in laughter at how absurd it was. Marriage is such a beautiful thing.
She was and is my pride, I loved to introduce her to people as my wife. Her amazing self confidence, high intelligence and most of all her pure inner self always made me feel I was so blessed to have her in my life.
She was and is my strength, my go to person in a crisis. If there was anyone whose praise mattered to me, it was her and I could never get enough of it. She was the one to always keep me on my toes, always the one to push me to do better. She was the one who believed in me though I was good at nothing.
And then one fine day just like that it all ended – no notice, no alarm bells, nothing. Even when she was diagnosed with Leukemia, we never gave up. She was so strong, invincible. I was so sure we would beat the crap out of it.
I never thought such a day would come in my life. I would be left alone again to carry on. I’m mad at God. The moment I see that word anywhere I stop reading.
It should have been our thirteenth year together. We should have been living our dream. I have lost faith in life and yet I carry on. I can’t take care of her anymore and it breaks my heart but I have our son. He and I will carry her legacy forward in this life.
I often wonder what can I do for her now that she’s physically not with us. And yet I have this insatiable urge to do something, to make this life worthwhile for her. I want to write about our life together, about the incredible person she was. I want to write a memoir for our son and for the people who loved her. She was always encouraging me to write, to follow my passion. It’s the least I can do for her.
I believe that life just doesn’t end like that. We have a higher purpose in this physical realm. Love transcends physical boundaries. So what if she’s not here, she’s always with us. To doubt her continued presence in our life would be to doubt the love we had for each other. I’m still here and as long as I’m here, she continues to live on.
Happy anniversary sweetheart. Love you so much yesterday, today and forever.