A bend in the river

“Andy Dufresne: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”

I’ve been very busy at work recently working late nights and several weekends. When push comes to shove, my mind goes into auto pilot and even though I detest the long hours, somehow when I’m involved, I’m in.

So in the midst of it all, I suddenly realized after a few days that I had been actually thinking about work all the time. I was scared that once the work pressure plateaued, I would be sucked into the emptiness again.

It did hit again this weekend as the now familiar silence started ringing in my ears. But I noticed that the pain wasn’t as intense. Yes the sadness was there but suddenly there was also a new determination to move ahead.

I don’t know if this is momentary or something more lasting but whatever it is, I welcomed the feeling. I had forgotten what getting up in the mornings and not feeling the stabs in the heart were like.

I found myself talking to people at work, making small talk and outside of work, actually reading the current issue of national geographic. The past editions still lie on my desk at home unopened.

I felt like a small window had opened again and though it’s not all rosy, maybe I could do this, maybe I could survive and come out on the other side.

My scarred self refuses to believe what I experienced. It tells me it won’t last, that I’m deluding myself. It says I can’t touch life again. But my heart says there’s hope, just as the seasons change, these dark clouds won’t hover forever.

A grief journey doesn’t have to be only about sadness. Loss is as much a part of life as love is. One follows the other. I don’t believe in moving on for I can’t forget and just move on. I’m not wired like that, none of us are.

But I do believe in moving forward and it only comes after you have experienced pain head on, only after you have let every feeling surface and see it create ripples and then slowly disappear.

You move forward with the past not without it because the past merges into who you are today. People often talk of letting go but I disagree, moving ahead doesn’t mean a clear break with the past. To me it means making peace with your past and letting it become a part of who you are today.

Unfortunately this journey has no milestones because you will revisit the same emotions again, you will walk the same path yet again but you will get back on the highway. And again back on the dirt roads.

But that doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. You are getting better at getting back every day . This has been my experience as I walk this path every day.

So today as I was driving, my son suddenly started talking about his mom, he often does and so lovingly that you have to be thankful for the dark glasses. Yet another bend and then after a few moments spent fighting tears, back on the road again.

Peace and courage.

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I often think

I often think of the moments I still had you
Things that I said and things I should have said but didn’t
I know it doesn’t matter for you knew it all
I just had to look at you and you understood

Now that I’ve been alone for so long I often think about the days that were
I’ve been doing well after so long and yet I feel it’s hollow, it’s all fake

I often think about who I am without you
And then like a warm blanket this thought envelopes me
I can never be alone, I can never be without you

So much of what is left of me is yours
I’m a changed man because of your love
And this gives me the strength to go on
Wherever I’m, there you are..