“For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows –
And did it my way! ”
I’m back after a hiatus and I’m feeling much better than I ever was. Love, grief and loss is a part of who I am today and the journey continues. Over the past year I have traveled many paths and valleys.
I haven’t come to any destination or a resting place but I do think I have turned the corner in my journey. I’ve met someone special and remarkable and it has brought hope back into my life.
I still have moments of darkness and I guess I have learned to tide them over and keep moving forward. Sometimes life feels surreal, as if too much has happened in too short a time.
My life has undergone a massive transformation in the last two years. Much of what I had up until that point was completely torn apart in the storm that came from nowhere.
Today I feel I have moved to a place where I can again look at the future with a generous amount of hope and positivity. I have a long way to go but I believe the foundation to rebuild has been laid and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Spending so much time alone has been extremely tough but it has had its benefits. I have a different perspective today, about the world and myself. I think much more deeply about things that matter and am able separate the wheat from the chaff.
There are reminders and triggers and they always will be there, I can’t avoid them but today they don’t hold the same power over me as they once did.
I looked through some of my earlier posts over the last year and while I couldn’t read them again because I fear the pain, I can clearly see how far I have come.
I write this for everyone that is on this difficult journey. There’s hope out there but the only way to it is through the pain. I never thought I would feel better, I never thought I would have a future again and I never thought I would meet someone again.
The challenge for me is to look forward to the future while keeping the memories alive. It’s easier said than done. I have a long way to go but I believe it is possible.
I still feel a lot of pain and anguish from time to time but I believe I have begun to heal in a lot of ways. I have rediscovered my interest in reading, traveling and many other things that used to make life so pleasurable. I believe those are good signs.
Some evenings when I’m by myself, my mind wanders and I think about all the things that have happened that have got me to where I’m today. I could have never seen it coming. Just goes on to show how precious life is and how redundant it is to plan too far ahead.
I have learned that life is to be lived in short bursts and with the hope that someday it will all come together and make sense. As long as we have dreams, love, hope, grief..emotions, it means we are alive to the moment. In essence it’s all that there is.