Always loved

Today is a sacred and special day for me as its my late wife’s birthday. She would have turned 40 today. She would often talk about all the plans she had – of having a big party with all her loved ones, of going on a solo holiday with her friends and many others which remained unfulfilled. 

She loved celebrating her birthday. It pains me no ends that today there’s nothing I can do for her. Why fate had to be so cruel to us I would never know. She would always call people personally to wish them on their birthdays. Even when she was sick and in the hospital, she would call and try not to miss an important occasion. I guess she had a  way of making people feel special. It was one of her many endearing traits. 

There are so many birthdays that we celebrated together. Often it was just us, a quiet dinner or lunch interspersed with phone calls from family and friends. The last one we celebrated together, she had just been back from another grueling round of chemo but she never let it show. We spent a quite evening at home. I treasure that memory a lot, the last one together. 

When I look back everything feels like a dream. We had many years of uninterrupted happiness. At the time it didn’t feel like we were making memories. Of course no one expects their lives to be cut short so mercilessly. 

In a way I’m glad that her last birthday was spent at home and not in the hospital. It was fitting, a last hurrah. Of course at that time despite the harsh reality it felt that we had just hit a road block,that life would go back to what it was eventually. However as I’ve found out, your wishes and dreams have no bearing on reality. 

One of the main reasons I write this blog is to keep her memory alive. It’s a precious record for my little boy to know his mother when he grows up. There’s little else that remains other than memories and I do not want these also to die with me. 

This is the third birthday since her passing. The first one was extremely difficult. It’s not that today it’s gotten any easier. It’s just that you learn to carry the burden better. 

I will be always infinitely proud that I got to spend so much time with such an extraordinary person. If there is any consolation, it’s that she spent her life laughing and chasing her dreams. Even a deadly disease like leukemia couldn’t touch her indomitable spirit. 

Till her last days she fought with extraordinary courage to reclaim the life that had been taken away from her without any rhyme or reason. In the end she left me a much better person than I was when we first got together. 

So today when I can’t do any of the things that you normally do for your loved ones on their birthdays, I quietly pray to her to protect us from harm and keep showing me the way forward. 

Always loved and never forgotten.