Another year of absence 

Yesterday another year went by in my journey of afterloss.The date holds some very painful memories which I have written about in the hope that in time I will be relieved of them. 

Today is holi – a festival of colors in India. It was also my late wife’s favorite festival. I guess it had a fair sprinkling of all the things that she greatly cherished – colors, music, food, dancing,  the company of friends and celebration. 

She is deeply missed by all and the void she left behind in the lives of everyone that she touched is irreparable. Sometimes I wonder what she would want me to do with my life but then again I can only guess. 

Grief and loss is extremely unique and extremely personal. I find that I am always alone in my memories. The person with whom I created these is long gone. I can’t turn around and say “do you remember the time..”. 

From time to time as the mood strikes me, I try to come here and write about her in the hope that this way I can honor her life and the extraordinary person that she was. 

In all honesty, even after three years sometimes it’s difficult to believe everything that happened. It’s true that with time the nature of grief changes. The pain I feel today is very different from what I felt in the initial days and months. 

It has settled in my bones and become a part of who I am today. In my long journey, I do come to places of peace and rest from time to time. Today I’m married again and have a wonderful family. I find that I look for peace and contentment in seeing them happy and moving forward. 

Yet there are days when the happy memories of my past make me melancholy. Some days they do make me smile but I always remember “how strange, how sad, the days that are no more”. 

In the past year, we settled down as a new family in a new home. We went on holidays and life has been good despite the challenges. I’m proud of the things that we  have accomplished together. A few years ago all this did not look possible. It’s only in retrospect that we realize how far we have come. 

My journey continues on this plane.I remember the last few months when we fought cancer. She was the bravest soul I have met and shrouded in her strength I had also clinged on to hope that life could go back to what it was. All through her treatment she never ever complained but soldiered on with a steely determination so typical of her. 

I remember that the last program that she watched on TV was master chef. I guess it just typified the incredible attitude that she possessed of living life to the full regardless of the circumstances. I don’t possess that but I always derive strength and courage to go on from her example.