Floating Memories

“Real grief is not healed by time…If time does anything, it deepens our grief.
The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so obvious that we take it for granted.
Therefore, it is often only in retrospect – or better, in memory, that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain.”
– Henri Nouwen

Its been a long time since I last wrote here . I have so many memories of my wife that I want to write here but mostly they stay within me floating about. They add warmth in times of loneliness and overwhelming grief. Though I do not write entries here as often as I used to, I have always thought of keeping this blog alive. Its something I created in her honor and I intend to keep it that way.

As the years roll by, sometimes it gets harder to believe all the time that has passed since then. I sadly reminisce the anniversaries, birthdays and so many other life events that come and go by each year. She should have been here living the life that she created but she is not and absolutely nothing can console me on that.

Its not only the major life events but its her absence in my daily life is what hits me the most. They say that when you have been so close to a person, you die when the person dies and yet they never truly leave you. I believe both the things are true. I’m no longer the same person that I was before. Years of fighting grief and loneliness have left their scars on my soul.

Every year I watch the tennis grand slams and remember that she loved watching the Wimbledon or the US open. Back in 2005 when we were living in Cincinnati , the city was host to the annual ATP masters tournament. She was thrilled to find out that she could volunteer at these events and get to see the players up close.

We had an incredible time that year and next watching Roger Federer, Andy Roddick, Serena Williams and other top stars play live. She had a job managing the tickets and other errands inside the players enclosure and absolutely loved the opportunity. For years she would fondly remember and recount the stories – the classy Federer, Serena Williams throwing a tantrum because her match wasn’t scheduled in prime time and many more.

Every year she would religiously follow the slams and read about the players. Its hard for me to watch tennis without all these memories floating about in my head. I still have her volunteer badge from the tournament which I have kept as a precious keepsake.

She followed other sports too including league football and knew most players names and who played for which club. She loved late night TV and all the US shows – Jeopardy, two and a half men and many more. Comedy central and the food channel were her favorites.

When we came back to India, we didn’t get all these shows here but few of them would air on Star world. These days with the advent of Netflix and Amazon Prime you get access to practically everything. She would have loved this limitless content. We had very different tastes though. I watch very less TV other than sports. Its only recently that I have started watching “The Crown” and “House of Cards” on Netflix.

Our life story remained incomplete. I can only imagine how life would have been with her around. All around me life flows unabated. My son is now close to eleven and like all kids of his age, his world is full of sports and star wars. He has taken after his mother in personality – he is gregarious and high energy.

As I grow older, I find that often our lovely days together seem like looking into the rear view mirror. I find that they keep reappearing and then speed by. I want to reach out and touch these moments, feel them again but I can’t. They seem destined to stay in my background forever.

As time passes, I am beginning to understand what the word “healing” means. Only those who have gone through such gut wrenching loss get it. Its not at all what it sound like. There’s no ending or closure. I guess its the gradual acceptance of the fact that pain is a constant and life can continue with it.

For a long time this blog was the only way I could channel my pain and I find that it continues to provide me solace. These days I write less and read a lot more. I have been meaning to change that lately.

I’m a loner and spend a lot of time on my own. I have gone back to my youthful interests of delving in mathematics and the sciences. I teach high schoolers on weekends and these small gigs keep me positively occupied. And yet on days that I find loneliness and grief creeping back, I turn to this old friend – my blog.

And yet, many days I just open my Mac and can’t write anything. When life gets too monotonous, I sometimes take a Fri off from work and go to a nearby bookstore, grab a coffee and my kindle and I read or just sit there and think. Some days I take my laptop along hoping to write.

I am married again and have a great family life. In one sense everything has come back to normal and in another sense everything is a new normal. I like to think I’m a devoted dad and many times an annoying partner due to my moodiness and quirks. I have 2 grown up boys now – one a pre teen and another a teen.

From the last one year I’ve made yoga a daily part of my morning ritual. I find that it has been a life saver. I have quit facebook and am more active reading and contributing answers to Quora.

At 43 my hair is greying more than ever and my sense or rather lack of fashion is as strong as ever, she used to call me “fashionably challenged”. I find that I have trouble relating to the teenage generation, I don’t seem to follow all the crazy abbreviations and memes which pass off as language. I guess I’m just old school and getting old!

I longingly think what she would have made of me today. I guess she would have just laughed it off and let me be the person I’m.