“Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness.”
Much of grief’s journey is aloneness. There isn’t anyone for miles and miles. You might be surrounded by people but you still find yourself alone.
This is even more true as the years go by and you are expected to have moved on. Only the one on this journey knows that there can never be any moving on.
Tragic events can amplify one’s own grief. Reading about people loosing loved ones from covid makes me painfully aware that this has been a familiar territory for a long time now.
These are no longer detached newspaper reports, its real as I’ve been there, the intensity of the pain, the infinite void and life’s ultimate betrayal is all too fresh in memory. These were suppressed but have resurfaced again.
I have never understood why grief is treated as a stigma, something to get rid of . In any case, other than this blog ,I’ve chosen not to talk about it. Its difficult to make anyone understand and the effort seems entirely pointless.
Being an introvert has helped immensely. I never had any dire need of an external validation of my feelings. The couple of times I spoke to counselors , I was told to move on which only confirmed the fact they had not the foggiest idea of what it feels like to be on this journey. So I let them go instead.
In these seven years a lot has changed but the emptiness has settled into my bones slowly. I no longer write here as frequently as I used to though I guess I should.
I wonder what she would have said had she been here today. This entire pandemic would have terrified her no ends but knowing her she would have never shown it – appearing strong, taking care of everyone.
That’s what she did even when she was sick and suffering more than any of us could imagine. It was her quiet strength that was my strength too and still is, I just took over from her.
Memories of much simpler and happier times abound. They are always with me providing me the warmth of a fire on cold and lonely nights. So many adventures and memorable trips we made together.
The world looks and feels empty without her around. I often struggle with the void but carry on regardless. Its almost become a habit.
It’s not that I’m not happy but then the word has taken such a different meaning now. Death strips life of its pure innocence and nothing is ever the same again.
We are all like sea shells floating in a vast ocean, each oblivious of the other’s pain and yet somehow all connected in ways that are impossible to understand with logical thought.
Maybe that’s the great mystery of life and of death.